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I keep struggling it seems thru these days. I�m not sure how to explain how I feel, or myself, or what I mean. I just feel very vacant and empty, but somehow at the same time, ready to geyser up into the sky and explode. Oddly, every time I try to pin down my place/feelings/thoughts it all seems like a lot of contradictions and opposite extremes. I don�t understand how that could be, just know that that seems to be the way it is. I�m very happy to be doing well, to be working on getting out of debt, to be reasonably sane and sober, to have a job, to have friends, but on the other side, there�s a massive amount of doubt and confusion and sadness that I can�t explain away or come to an understanding of. The only thing I seem to know about that side, (besides the fact that it�s equal to the converse, I�m yin-and-yang so to speak), is that it�s not satisfied and remains incomplete. It seems to say that despite all the work, all the successes and accomplishments of the past few months, that it still hasn�t been resolved or properly dealt with, but what that thing, etc. is, I couldn�t specifically say. I guess most of it is still the grief I feel and the loneliness. You can�t lose so many things regardless of whether or not those things are good or bad without experiencing some loss and grief. I suspect part of the problem is the fact that I had to just keep moving in order to �survive� the ordeal, and since things are finally calming down, and now that some time that has passed, I need to switch out of that mode and find the closure to those things in order to reconcile my �place� in life now. My identity and perception of my identity, has changed drastically in the past few months, but I haven�t solidified the �face� so to speak. I�m still not certain of who I am or who I think I�m supposed to be and doesn�t that just suck on the tail pipe of a big shit hose.
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