I didn't manage to get to bed until 2:00 a.m. last night. I'm really getting sick of this. Well, to tell you the truth, it's not ALL insomnia. The fact is that my brain whirs and spins and buzzes along on this emotional roller coaster all day, and it doesn't seem to tire until around midnight. That's when it's quiet, and calm. There's peace and it feels so good just to be alone, everything slowed, one thought at a time. That's the peace booze used to provide that I loved, but now it's mine pure and complete and I can't bring myself to go to bed when I want so much just to enjoy finally feeling right, like I make sense or I fit. It's the best part of my day, and if that means I'll be tired from only 4 or 5 hours sleep, so be it. They don't deserve the best of my time anyway. Peace like that at this point in my life is just too precious. It's my meditative clarity, and it's short in supply, but greatly in demand. I'm moving forward with some of my projects, and I feel good about that. They've given me some focus when I've needed it lately. Like this past weekend with the family reunion. It was a very helpful distraction even though it wasn't that painful of an event after all. The reunion was a combined event of a great aunt and the family she married into, and the family of her sister, my grandmother, if that makes sense. In other words, two families with two different last names other than the maiden name of the women that bore them, which suddenly seems strange when you think about it. Like it would make more sense to take the woman's name, at least for the children she had. Maybe. I don't know.
The short story is that not many of my grandmother's grandchildren came, and those are the people that I was closer to growing up and that supposedly were dieing to see me over the past 10 years since I'd been away. So, I guess they can't make me feel guilty about that anymore after I had to give up my weekend and travel with my parents over 3 hours to their crummy town, and they don't even bother to show because of a little rain. That's o.k. with me. It hasn't just been my fault that they haven't seen me in so long; some of them were inaccessible when every so often one of them went to prison, or shacked up way out in the woods with another lunatic man. I have to laugh you know, it was an inspired and incredibly funny joke to stick me in this family...
"If you ever need anything please don't
hesitate to ask someone else first. I'm too busy acting like I'm not naive,
I've seen it all, I was here first".
