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09-08-04 9:13 p.m.
What did I ever do in life that was SO wrong that I didn't deserve to die in my sleep? What
about SIDs? Did I lose that lottery?
I have a tension headache that's just murdering me, but not quite killing me if that makes
any sense.
The "e" key popped of my notebook. I needn't, (two e's right there, sigh, two more in "there"
plus the "e" in "more". Fuck! repeating, (two fricking more) Shit! It's an endless, (two more)
shit! "E" key, (damn! 1 more), cycle, (ThErE it is again!!)
Did I forget to mention that I had a relapse on Saturday that screwed me up with sickness
and such until yesterday? The folks even, who are out of town on vacation, caught me in all
my slurry greatness on the telephone Monday night when they called to say "hey", (read: check
up). Nine weeks or more flushed down the toilet. And one might wonder why I've been alone
now for so long. I wouldn't wish my mess of a life on anyone. This is not about feeling sorry
for myself, this is about that fact that who would deserve such awful baggage. Certainly not
someone I care about. What kind of reward is that?
And before anyone wants to say anything, the tension headache is what it is. I went through
a table of over 36-hundred customer records with well over 20 columns each verifying info. for
good records. Trust me, your eyes cross and if your neck doesn't move for hours on end, you
get a headache.
So I missed a day of work already, (Tuesday), which was only my 4th day. Oh well, my boss
missed yesterday too and didn't even get my message until this afternoon. He was hardly
concerned. He's so laid back he might as well have a hammock for a desk chair. It is without
a doubt the absolute opposite of the boss I had at my previous job. It's beyond refreshing.
Right now, I give myself a 20% chance of fucking this up. Tomorrow, we'll see, it might move
to 30%. Regardless, it's only a matter of time given my history.
Can I beat a pattern? Can I exit a cycle? What is yours and how easy is it to break? I don't
know about me. I like to think it's 50/50, but the destructive side, it really has more power
over me.
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