to what is being thought. I've known that this isn't the town for me for years, even before I had to move back, and yet the sudden weight of actualizing that right now is still too out of sight. I AM here and knowing I will someday have to find another place to belong feels so very heavy. I can't believe I'm this old and STILL this clueless about my life, purpose or future. But, I can't afford to spend any time right now dwelling on the past or fearfully musing on my future with this whole mess of a present to address.

I do have a question though even though I can sorta see a connection: Why did I wake up this morning with "Digging Up Bones" by Randy Travis in my head?? Randy, either you bounce or I will cleanse my ears with some Social D.

*********************************************************************************

12:50 a.m. The Horror! I found out that if you get up earlier in the day, you actually get tired earlier at night! I don't do very well with the 9 to 5, I'm better with the 8 p.m to 4 a.m. schedule but I'm afraid "normal" work hours weren't designed for sleep-deprived insomniacs such as myself. And so much the better really since the key to me being productive is the fact that it's quiet, that most people are stowed away in their beds. But lately I've been getting up more around 8 so I'm starting to have a brain meltdown around 10 at night.

I've had my hands full so far this week with a couple of clients and some stuff I've been auctioning off. By the time I had a chance to sit down and take a breath yesterday, I couldn't even put together two sentences to attempt an entry. I'm barely capable of that under better circumstances and as I type I'm pausing with the eyes and head being pummeled by gravity to lull and droop. I just tried to scratch my eye and forgot my glasses were even on.

Tomorrow is just going to be a continuation of the work I've been doing today and yesterday, but I believe I'll be finished by the end of the day. I can finally get *paid* and move on to the next job I can grab. I have to say that I'm in better spirits and that I appreciate the way things are going; the direction I'm moving towards albeit slowly.

*********************************************************************************

I got a call from a friend tonight that I haven't really spoken with in the past 6 weeks which you might note is how long I've been sober and perhaps suggests a reason why I haven't been in contact with said individual. He has been wanting to get sober as well. It was one of those conversations where the only thing you keep saying or thinking as the person lays out the details and you swallow the weight. About a week or so ago he wrapped his jeep around a tree and didn't regain consciousness until after he'd been airlifted to a hospital in Lexington, (that's about 60 miles away for those unfamiliar with the territory). He broke and lost a number of teeth, they had to reconstruct his chin, he has a gash down the whole side of his face, several broken ribs and a punctured spleen. They say it's amazing that he survived and if he had had anyone with him, the most likely would not have survived with the way the engine got crushed back and you know, up until a few weeks ago I had been. I feel just awful knowing that I had drove past his place in the past couple of weeks thinking I should be a better friend and take him with me to an A.A. meeting.