|
081404
11:15 a.m. I'm up, emerging from a slew of dreams now too murky and smeared
for me to remember. I wanted to hold onto them, wanted to know what they know,
what my brain was trying to show me. Now it's just me, a marlboro, a Dr. Pepper,
and the fluffiest crown of morning hair. I have to get moving, I have obligations
even though I don't want to see anything, feel anything, BE anything or
anybody. This is a typical morning for me as far back as I care to remember.
I say "care" because I don't want to recall a time when it was different since
that only serves to remind me of what I've lost. Who robs me of my dreams
though? It's so incredibly seldom that I even wake up with the notion that I
HAD been dreaming, let alone any details. I can't recall the last dream I
could recall. I shouldn't miss them I suppose since they basically only fall
into one of two catergories: Anxiety-filled full of challenges in which I most
certain to fail, or the occasional "wish fulfillment" scenario about meeting
someone that are sweet and electric but not wet.
I had a party last night. Sat around and thought about how it's all over, I'll
never get my life sorted out, never fall in love again and ran myself through
with a truncheon of regret. Yes, that's right: It was a pity party. Do you
know how goddamn impossible it is to change your thinking and feelings when the
depression has remain stuck on you for so many years that it's practically a
second skin? Go ahead and try talking logic, or look on the "bright side", give
yourself a pep talk and try to change your attitude to a hopeful one, the long
reigning despot of despair will just mock it in return. He has had many years to
subvert the landscape making him near impossible to overthrow.
"Why can't love ever touch my heart like fear does?"
*****************************************************************************
11:36 p.m. I think today managed to surpass my expectations of suckiness. It
took quite a bit longer than I thought to finish up the installation of software
and by the end my patience was pretty much gone, and I have a stiff neck and a
headache to show for it. Well, there'll be a check though for services render-
ed, and I most definitely need that. Afterwards, my folks wanted us to all go
out for a "nice meal". They like to do this about once a week. It's very kind
and thoughtful of them, it's just a shame that no such place exists in this town
to have a "nice meal". It seems that restaurant industry believes "home cookin'"
or country cookin' consists of canned veggies and frozen meat overheated and over-
cooked. I specifically hate the Crapper Barrel and Bob Evans, (where we dined
tonight), and I find most chain restaurants "fusion" cuisine to be more enter-
taining than edible.
I guess the worst part of the experience was the fact that my folks were obviously
fighting about something, but they never do it full out and while I might be there
physically, they don't seem to acknowledge me as a witness. I really don't
appreciate being invited out after stressing for the most part of the day to be
around a couple disagreeing. I know, I know... I've prolly been one of the worst
offenders in the past of this behaviour. I now know the errors of my ways.
I'm sure there has to be some more petty bullshit to bitch about.. Anyone care
to toss out a topic? I'm sure to bat it around like an orange against a wall of
nails.
|
|
|
