happened rather suddenly. I don't know if it's wise to be on my lap-

top in the garage with the door up. I only know that the smell of the

rain is delicious mixed with the cool air circulating around me.

I woke up just before my alarm which was set for 10:00 since I'm try-

ing to work my way back into a more "normal" schedule. I spent the

next hour and a half wondering why I'd even bothered. What do I really

need or have to do? I've no purpose or direction no matter how many

little lists I write up.

I've been sober now for over 5 weeks and just recently earned the

trust of my folks to return my car keys to me. I went to another A.A.

meeting tonight and it's ackward as hell to be back in there starting

over again even though Mary, (A woman that started going to meetings

on the exact same day I did many months ago), said she'd had a lapse

too. Everybody in any A.A. room knows what's up when all of a sudden

you don't show up to meetings for a couple of months. They've been

there too, but still, there's plenty of sheppish shame to go with my

constant social anxiety since I've also scarcely been out of the house

in as many weeks either.

I keep waiting for my mood to bounce back what with the distance from

my last drink and the almighty anti-depressant medications and therapy,

but it's just not happening. It's all I can do somedays to resist

going out and drowning the care out of me until it all blurs into a

wash of "it doesn't matter" and feel about as much nothing without

actually being dead.

Well if I'm talking like this, it can only mean one thing: It's time