My mother turned fifty-two today. I think it was a good birthday for her, I think it went well. My father and aunt sent her flowers at work. I bought her lunch and we went out for dinner. I got her some print master software that you can make cards and stuff with. The best gift though is this house we are moving to this weekend. She's absolutely giddy and I'm happy to see her happy and getting things she wants since sometimes it seems like she doesn't even allow herself to want things let alone get them.

Yesterday with a heavy sigh on the way home from work she repeated to herself and myself "Fifty-two tomorrow, I'm going to be fifty-two.." Trying to make it real and come to grips with it. I said "How do you feel about that Ma? What do you think about it?" Immediately she responded "No sir, I don't like it". She dropped a Ren and Stimpy quote on me as a response.. You gotta love Ma.

The past couple of weeks have been alright despite how it might appear at times once my emotions are filtered and distilled through uhm, "art". I went through a pretty rough patch in October. It's so easy for me to get con- sumed with/by destructive behavior and yet it somehow is still a surprise when its ferocity rears its head. It changes, has moved to another level which just glaringly points at whatever it is I'm not dealing with that it takes strength from. I'm tired of seeing it hurt my folks and friends around me, so this last time I gave myself something to remind myself of that for awhile: I put a couple of cigarettes out on my arm in the exact same spot. Brilliant, aren't I?

Pain in my life doesn't really seem to have an expiration date. I continue to put the hole in the heart next to the toast and jam..