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2002-12-09 - 11:28 p.m.

You know, there's been this yucky feeling in me for the past week, and I don't know if it just finally set in or not, but I had to leave work early today. I sat down to eat my lunch, and just felt my temperature go up and my head started to pound and I was just sick to my stomach. It could be a virus, it could be tension and stress. Either way it's not good news to add to what isn't really a great week I'm afraid.

Over the past several months I've really managed to put somethings behind me, but we are coming upon a very unfortunate anniversary right now, just in time for the holiday season. It just sort of descended upon me, it's not like I consciously wanted to start thinking about it all again.

This time last year I had just finished losing my second good job of the year and my life was being taken a part bit by bit. A few more days from now, (on my father's birthday no less), I told my parents I was an alcoholic. I'm feeling and experiencing it all over again.. One of my two best friends is going into the hospital unbeknownest to me and passes away two days later. I've never managed to figure out how to deal with that anger. I don't know how you reconcile such thoughts and feelings. A coworker today replied to me by the nickname this friend had for me and it was just shivers.. It was a very out-of-the-way type term of endearment, so it's so strange he would choose that word.

I just hate it frankly, I hate it all. I hate knowing that while I feel better and am doing better know, it doesn't change the feeling of loss and nostalgia. It doesn't bring back or change anything. And I can't not feel it and I can't explain what it feels like to someone else, and I don't really want to. I just want to not feel so exposed and sensitive, want to go somewhere I can't be seen until it passes. Not this put-on face, cheer up and fake through holidays, meaningless sentiments, meaningless gifts, shared time with people that don't really know me. It's such a game. And I'm so, so tired.

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