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     diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry On healing and clarity still under the microscope of careful observation.

2002-11-25 - 11:16 p.m.

I actually had quite the positive day today. How very nice when friends and others notice and

like your work! It made me feel so good and goofy that I don't know what to say, except thanks.

I went for my monthly visit with my addiction therapist person today. Basically, I just chat about

how I'm feeling, what's going on in my life. He's a super fellow, and it's always a very positive

and reaffirming experience. I have to say though, when he told me that he had shown a copy of my

picture journal to some other patients, and that they were just really able to relate; that it

helped to capture or verbalize what they felt, I glowed. How could I not?

Slowly I'm learning how to not hate myself so much and to look at myself a bit clearer. I know there's

things I need to work on when I walk down the street and just wish that people couldn't see me.

I know there's something that needs some work if I would rather not have a face to look at, to

recognize, that regardless of who they are or how they look, that I'm envious that they, (well some

people anyway), can walk around and not be as self conscious and don't care about being seen. To

have that kind of self-esteem. I mean, for the most part, I just try to hold myself together while

I have to be looked at, such as in conversation. I'm hoping I'll hold together until they're thru

and don't need to be directing their attention or gaze my way. That the whole time, I'm aware of my

whole exterior and keep wondering just how much my circuitry is hanging out visible. It's been a long

time since I felt comfortable in this skin of mine.

But for the moment at least, things are looking up, idiot face or not.

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