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2002-11-20 - 12:19 p.m.

Just about the time I start feeling a little better about myself, that�s when it all starts to fall apart again with a little more damage and salt to roll around in. The mucky-muck. What I find strange is that regardless of the fact that I�ve tried to be non-offensive, I always end up inadvertently doing it anyway. Hurting someone�s feelings, pissing people off, alienating friends. I thought life might be a little more creative, but no, it�s the same old fuck in the ass with the same broom handle but it still affects me the same way. It still depresses me. I keep wanting to crumble up and dissipate. Well, I can do that, sometimes. I can go invisible. Or wait, is it that just all the wrong people can see me? Maybe that�s it.

�I might disintegrate into the thin air if you�d like

I'm not the dark center of the universe like you thought

Well, it took a lot of work to be the ass that I am

And I�m real damn sure that anyone can, equally easily fuck you over

Well, died sayin� something, but didn't mean it

Everyone�s life ends, but no one ever completes it�

-Modest Mouse

I don�t know. And hah-ha, I get to say it. If I want. All I know is, I wouldn�t mind running out of here screaming just now, but I guess employers frown on that sort of thing, or would at least look at me funny. And I don�t care too much to be looked at today or any other day for that matter. I�d like to be all sunny right now, but I just fucking can�t. All the pieces, parts and bits, just make a larger model of shit and you have to call something what it is unless you just want to ignore facts which I think just adds another pooh to the pile. Dung collectors Unite!

I�m sorry I suck so much. That I don�t know the right thing to say, or didn�t say anything or didn�t put on a mock smile and positive face. That I couldn�t overlook my selfish garbage pile, or that I did and maybe you didn�t need my advice anyway, just really wanted to hear yourself talk. I�m sorry when I don�t care or can�t care or can�t be there or am there and I�m just not what was wanted or needed. When I get nervous, upset, scared, frustrated, impatient, mean, angry, ugly, pathetic, depressed, bored, anxious, stressed, impulsive, hyper, goofy, demanding, judgmental, critical, swollen, unappreciative, indecisive, paranoid, lonely, obsessive, childish, moody, and sentimental.

I�m sorry, I�ve put on weight, don�t know what to do with my hair and have just let it continue to grow, smoke, masturbate, waste money eating out, have dry skin and scalp, feel no absolutes about where I am or where I�m going. I�m sorry if I�m too honest or when I�m not honest enough, or for whining, lying, feeling guilty or not guilty. I�m sorry for hating everything and everyone and then in the next moment suddenly caring again. I�m sorry that I constantly think about not-existing and I�m sorry that I mean it. I�m sorry I�m short-sighted, dull, too sensitive, insecure, private or cold. I�m sorry for the things you like but I don�t and vice versa. And last, but not least, I�m sorry for _________________. Feel free to put whatever crosses your mind

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