I think though that action is bubbling. Action is happening somewhere beneath the surface that is beginning to break the cautious seal that holds me to this safety. However, safe it conceivably is when it feels like I�m holding on to a curved cold metal bar on an ever-spinning merry-go-round haphazardly spun by someone with mischievous zeal.

I�ve been tiredly fighting lethargy. It came with a knotted fist last Tuesday pummeling the will out of my sight. I�m fighting, I�m fighting, I�m fighting. Even when I wonder why bother, but that�s just the melodramatic me. I know most of the time why I bother even if I have to avoid looking closely at those justifications. This lassitude has turned it all to shit, turned me to shit. Happy, sad and everything on either side of or in-between them. Can�t find the energy or motivation or enthusiasm. So, I�m cutting back my medication and I�m tired of feeling like I need it. I�ve spent ten years in some form of self-induced, chemically altered state. Something �new� for me right now might be not having the influence of anything in my system. Besides, I feel like I�m fighting off my mind and fighting the medication.

I�m rambling here but I want to I guess. Isn�t the confusion also a part of the process? It certainly demonstrates the point. Ah, the point! Here we are. Fairly anticlimactic as it might be. I have so much to say and I don�t know how to say it or where to begin which is new to me. Perhaps even pointing out this fact is the point itself. Don�t ask me what I think and what I feel, I�ve tried and I�m not getting a response either.

What is it really after all that I haven�t told you? I wrote this song and put the vamp in the middle. I�m not waiting till fall to find out if I�m going to fall apart. Some day soon will require action and that�s exactly what I�m going to do. Right now I breath hesitation.

My ex has begun to send me strange mixed signals again and I can�t afford that kind of confusion and frustration. I suppose that it is still hard for her, moving on, moving thru. It�s not the kind of decision I would have wanted to have to make if there was going to be any doubt down the road. I can�t allow myself to believe in any of it. It�s not here, nothing is here except some chaos which is waiting beside me patiently for me to pour the tea. What a pair that makes: Numbness and chaos. I can only give her so much. The rest is being stored to fuel the inertia that I will need to keep carrying myself thru.

My god how I do fail, fail, suck at life�. I�m having trouble just describing or defining the cell. Please plant here the living. Please die here the drowning. I feel like falling into step behind the ignorance of whimsy and see what happens when I let it all go. But right now though I�m busy fading in and out. Right now though stuck like cotton candy dissolving and caking the crevices of life�s teeth, my teeth, mouths fooled around me.