Another week and it's not so bad. I happen to like this job, low stress, decent hours, so-so pay. Work doesn't inspire the trepidation and fear that it used to. And actually, to tell you the truth, I've been geeking out designing about website for them, playing with the image composer, etc. I walk out of here feeling hynotized by the little key color codes and words. I know, I know, didn't I say it already though? "Geeking out?"I suppose though I should have seen the signs coming, every time it seems I have a happiness boon of just generally feeling good, it's followed by it's converse. In other words, I confess, I fell off the wagon Friday night. My whole Saturday was blown nursing a decent sized hangover, and I'd forgotten just how awful it is to look at the world thru the bruised cracked eyes. It was the first time since the middle of January that I'd had hard liquor.
I made sure I kicked myself in the ass repeatedly to remind myself what it means to let my guard down and give in to drinking. Honestly though, I took something positive out of it. It wasn't a lapse, but a slip, and it only seemed to reinforce my conviction to staying sober. I usually keep grinding myself down over every little failure, but by late last night I'd pretty much accepted that it happened and that I would move on because eventually it all snowballs into negative, counter-productive thinking that in the past used to cause weakness & lapses.
I think I've just been having trouble verbalizing how or what I've been feeling lately, so I've been doing a lot more drawing. I have this sort of art therapy approach from years and years ago that I find helpful and often times valuable for trying to tap into my subconscious to see what my conscious hasn't quite realized yet. I call it "glaciering", but it is in fact just a form of automatic writing/drawing, or free association. Simply put, I sit down and without any sort of preconcieved notion about what I'm going to do, or even sometimes the medium I will use, I start working. Lately it's been drawing for the most part, but it's interesting to look at the kinds of shapes and lines and subject matter that happens and to take that and try to "read" what's being expressed, because no matter what, there is a sort of sub-conscious impetus or form that we gravitate towards depending on feeling. It might further sound ridiculous, but I think for those that don't feel that they know how to draw, they should try coloring. I keep wanting to tell my mother to give it a shot when I see her running herself down. I mean, why not right? Something simple that's easy to maintain a loose focus on is just very relaxing if you ask me, and of course, it's nothing to take too seriously.
Anyway, I've convinced a friend of mine to go with me to the park after work and do some doodling. I spent several hours at a park yesterday as a matter of fact. Found a nice hiking trail and once I found a spot that I liked, I did some drawing and thoroughly enjoyed just being outside. I'm gradually making space for some very necessary, and much needed, peace in my life.
