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I sort of came stumbling out of this weekend wondering "what happened, where am I? Oh, this again." There's been so many peeks and eddies lately and pretty much everything I expected or wanted or planned this weekend went the opposite way. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. But, I decided to let it roll off, so, no harm done. It's chilly and gray and un-summer like outside. Not a very inviting afternoon. I've been meeting a few new people here and there and catching up with old friends. Sometimes though I don't know what to make of any of it. It's like trying to give someone your address when you're constantly moving. What do I say about myself? How are they going to know me? It's all in the becoming. Working through everything and existing in a transition, the best thing I know to do is keep afloat and see where I wash up. I'm not exactly a ship without a rudder, but the only thing I've chosen is the direction and the course isn't exactly mapped out so you try to familiarize yourself with the geography and learn as you go along. I keep reminding myself not to overanalyze everything and make sure to take notice that I am in fact doing reasonably well in my own strange way, that the things I've been filling myself and my time up with are in fact good and healthy or at least much better than the things I was doing or relying on. And there's this curious joy and excitement and energy floating through me to match the warped, intangible loveliness of the music that is in my mind and pumping through my heart past the scars and into new growth. I'm afraid of it at times, afraid of letting go and giving into it and I don't understand why. I guess I conditioned myself to expect everything to be so ugly that I'm having to rework my perspective to see the other side. It's very empowering, but also very intimidating to realize that in yourself you have the power to change things you don't like about yourself and to experience this revelation of freedom that, in my case, I hadn't felt for almost ten years. And the person I was then and how I experienced it from the person I am now couldn't be more different. I want to give myself a new name because they maybe related, but they certainly don't look much alike. The new guy has a lot more patience and unabashed concern for friends and people at times, but also for some reason has decided that using the word "whore" in irreverant and sometimes improper ways is funny. He gets strange satisfaction out of Bubblicious "Blue Blowout" gum and treats himself to tacos as often as he thinks he deserves them. He likes to say that the glass is half empty with a crack down the side and a chip on the rim, but secretly believes it's half full with a couple of ice cubes and a straw. And I guess I'll have to add corny now...
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