So anyway, we are setting the time and the tone of what is happening, eyes dropping like a porch screen door opening. It's the creak of the old wood and the way the sky and the green can turn upside down when a day just seems to overwhelm your senses and what you expected to see. I had a nice evening, much as I hadn't expected. It's interesting when that happens, when you think that there isn't much to look forward to or happen, and maybe nothing does really but you've accepted the fact that you can't have high expectations and just go with it. I have a very hard time of that usually.
I'm still relearning life now, still getting reaquainted with some parts of myself that are finally starting to return after such a long haze. It's an effort sometimes to express that and not feel strange. Can you imagine, not feeling comfortable allowing yourself to occasionally feel happy or good? But, that's where I've been, I believed that things had to be in such a constant flux, a constant disaster, and that's what life was. I'm still not able to say that that isn't neccessarily what life is, but, I can now say that I don't have to encourage the destruction. One tries to find their way I suppose. I'm just now discovering that perhaps I'm worth salvaging.
I know I'm giving sort of the vague impression as I go, that's what I have in a way to deal with. I'm trying to balance real thought and truth as I move through. The story is, as I must confess, is that I'm an alcoholic and I'm twenty-eight. And I have to think, and know, and be aware of that fact now for the rest of my life I suppose. I have to look at myself and my life and how I interact with people knowing how I feel and reading into the perceptions of what I think that conjures in the minds of others. "Oh, so that's who he is, and that's his problem". And this is exactly what I didn't want to start writing and say, and is how I feel, and that's exactly why it's here now and I've said it and why it will stay. For better or for worse, I have owned it now, and it is mine.
