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Tired. It was a day of many mixed emotions tumbling about in the belly and the eyes. It's a strange thing, these eyes in my head, what they have seen, driving around in this body. Have you ever just stopped and thought about how many millions of moments and things your eyes have seen through the course of the day, or week, etc? Constantly reupdated snap shots. I think about what I've made them bare witness to sometimes. Some good things, some unpleasant and ugly things, which their lovely accomplice "memory" has been kind enough to record and occasionally display. Anyway, I spent some time with an old friend of mine today and had some decent conversation about art, music, etc. It was nice in a way except for the constant circus mumbo jumbo that my brain dregs around in the gaps of words and silence. Then I went to see some bands play, but I just kept fading farther back into my mind and felt the energy sort of drain down to my toes. I try to understand how to interact with people, but I'm so rusty at it and I never was particularly good at it in the first place. Eventually I wonder back home and just fall into the quiet that has been slowly knawing at me. I'm still so unfocused when it comes to where I'm at and where I'm going and isn't that the first thing that bursts when you move into adulthood: Life doesn't just suddenly unfold with any amount of certainty. You forget when you have an addiction what path or goal you are on because all of your energy is devoted to it, and if you find your way to excepting the need for recovery, that that's only part of the battle. The rest is cleaning house because it's really become a mess while you've been away. Well, it took almost ten years to knock it down, it's going to take some time to put it back together. So we end again with the patience game.
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